Crisis Management Challenge

What would You do?


A) Less than 24 hours from the commencement of judging at the prestigious annual International Vienna Swine, Headcheese and Mime-Yodeling Pageant, you have been informed that your prized hog ‘Senor Stecheeno’ has been abducted by an anti-hog faction, ‘PIG-N’ ( Pigs-Is-Good – Not. ).  The group, headed by former world-renowned but now disgruntled swine-charmer/sausage-casing-condom inventor, Alesandro Stecheeno (Ed Note: no relation to Senor Stecheeno), has demanded $5,000 plus an additional $378 (the cost of shipping and handling as concerns the swine’s return by air-freight) for the safe return of Senor Stecheeno. If the money is not received within the next 12 hours, PIG-N has threatened to sell your hog to the underground Bavarian sex-trade market. What do you do?

Do you: 1) bring in your back-up swine ‘Baron Von Gruntvessel’, who has unfortunately zero International experience and squeals like a banshee when under competition pressure (but nonetheless does have a snout to-die-for and hooves so delicate they were featured as a stand in, in a Prada shoe add involving Star Jones ) 2) meet the demands of the kidnappers but have Senor Stecheeno shipped/returned via ground freight thereby saving $178 in shipping costs, or 3) resolve yourself to the fact that maybe Senor Stecheeno will be better off as a submissive/dominant in the Bavarian sex-slave community?

B) It is approximately half an hour from your very first major role in the much anticipated and hyped big-budget porno movie, “The Seven Asses of Fuque Mountain – A Chesty McCameltoe Mystery’, the cast of actors of which includes some of the all time industry legends : “Sol ‘The Sausage’ Cunnilinski’, “Dink Dabblebone, ‘Won-Ton-Hung-Shlong’, ‘Sadora Skanktackle’, “Hugh G. Peckerpacker’, ‘Boris ‘The Muff’ Squeegee’, Candy “Gruntbasin’ Stecheeno ( Ed Note: related to Senor Stecheeno ) and ‘Oxana Orgiasticoza’, to name a few. In a nutshell, this project is going to be a career-breaker for you. Bubbling with excitement (and delighted that you are finally making your family proud after having them endure years of immense shame and disappointment at your previous career –  Member of Congress ), you decide to head down to the set early, gathering your burro-whispering-kit, girl-scout costume, edible tassels, and organically grown zucchinis. Suddenly, you are seized by absolute panic - your vagina and one nipple are...... MISSING. Frantically, you turn your place upside down, trying to retrace your (and your vagina’s) steps. Moments later it hits you – you remember you lent your vagina and nipple to the Canadian Film Board for filming a public service announcement in conjunction with Beaver appreciation/conservation week last week.

What do you do?: 1) Felt-mark-in a faux vagina and nipple? 2) go on ‘as is’ and hope everyone focuses on your third nipple, copious double-jointed ‘talents’ and ability to peel a Yam with your tongue 3) concede to using a stunt-double vagina/nipple 4) call Clay Aiken and ask to borrow his?

C) You come home early from work only to find your greased up girlfriend/boyfriend wearing your underwear and fondling your Barbie-Doll/GI-Joe collection, web-cam-broadcasting the spectacle on PBS under the guise of a documentary on nudist-colony hobbies/collectibles.

You 1) start making monkey noises, grab the Crisco and join in 2) call the authorities, as you do not HAVE a girlfriend/boyfriend (nor a Barbie-Doll/GI Joe Collection, for that matter) 3) curl up in a corner in the fetal position and start sucking your thumb, lamenting how much depreciation in value your doll collection is currently suffering 4) poke your eyes out with a pointed (or non-pointed as per your preference) stick

D) In commemoration of Arbour Day (actually, it’s the 2nd anniversary of your wife’s boobjob but Mum’s the word – literally, as you’ve persuaded said Mrs to wear the quasi-see-thru where’s-waldo tube-top ), your family decides it would be a perfect time for an outing in the park and a celebratory picnic. Having set up the viddles, slip & slide (which of course YOU insisted your wife bring, you old dawg, you), and nerf lawn darts at one of the allotted barbeque pits, you are just about to partake of your wife’s delicious yak ribs and tofu-chitalins casserole, when suddenly a bus-load of inner-city Evangelicals pulls into the spot right beside yours. Singing ‘Jesus is Lord, Y’all’, ‘Lord is Jesus, Y’all’, ‘Who Is Lord, Really? Jesus or Lord?’, ‘Lord Jesus Is My Lord’, ‘Jesus ‘Da Bomb, Beeyatch’, ‘My Lord is Better than Your Lord’, “Step off!, Jesus’ Got My Back, Ho’, the entourage gets off  the bus and immediately focuses in on and starts chastising your wife’s tube-top, the used condoms on the slip and slide, the half dozen empty discarded bottles of Jim Beam, and your bumper sticker “Have You Groped Your Cousin, Lately?”. They commence chanting “Heathens Go Home” while crossing themselves frantically over and over, flicking holy water on the slip and slide and generally killing your Jim Beam buzz and your wife’s Jim Beam inspired ‘friskiness’. What do you do?

Do you: 1) play ‘Highway to Hell’ on your monster 500 watt car-stereo continuously at full blast while biting off the heads of nearby squirrels 2) send your kids off to the swimming hole and proceed to give the Evangelicals a sex show with your now tube-top-less wife that would make a porn star/gynecologist blush 3) start ritual-sacrificing park badgers and speaking in tongues 4) bring out your “I Love Scientology” t-shirt and L Ron Hubbard bobbleheads and start quoting Dianetics in Pig-Latin through a bullhorn.

E) On the first formal dinner date of what looks to be the beginning of an incredible relationship, you take your future significant other to one of the top five star restaurants in the region. Things are going swimmingly until the first course arrives (being the cheap bastard that you are, you ordered the evening special for both of you, which comes with soup as the starter and a free “L” tattooed on your forehead). As the waiter places the bowls on the table, you notice your date’s soup contains a severed moose’s head, which she is fortunately temporarily oblivious of. What do you do?”

You: 1) order an extra plate of mozza balls for your date’s soup, hoping to further camaflouge said slightly dubious Moose-head culinary faux-pas 2) hope your date continues to remain unawares as you distract her by commencing to fondle her kneecap and ankles under the table 3) call her a fatso and ask her if she really feels she should be eating more than a one course dinner 4) fake a severe groin pull and/or tumour 5) surreptitiously discard the moose head into the hedgehog flambé at the adjacent table