These are just a sampling of some of the beloved ones my parents and I listened to with delight when I was younger (1873) - please share some of your favourites

1) I Saw Mommy Kissing Something WEIRD!

2) Twelve Days of Factory Outlets

3) Rudolph the Red Nosed Stumble-Bum

4) Black and Blue Christmas (O Little Town of Trailerpark)

5) It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Foreclosure

6) Grandma Got Run Over by a John Deere

7) Jingly Balls (Ballad of Christmas Piercing)

8) We Three Queens (A Clay Aiken Christmas)

9) Chestnuts Roasting in an Empty Oil Drum

10) Here Comes Sandy's Claws (Have Yourself a Redneck Girlfriend Binge-Drinking Christmas)

11) Feliz' Naieve Dad (Ballad of I've Been Boinking Feliz Under the Mistletoe in her Family's Rec Room)

12) Old Lang Died

13) Deck (and Beat) the Hallinskis (aka. They Came Upon a Midnight Clear.......and Stole our Rims)

14) Kwanzaa Na Mera

15) All I Want for Christmas is my One Front Tooth (O Little Town of Trailerpark Part II)

16) Here Comes Pre-Nup. Clause (Ballad of Tiger's Christmas)

17) Good King Wench/Lass Hound

18) Away is My Manager (Rockin' Around the Drive-Thru Booth)

19) Do You Hear What I Hear (A Magic Mushroom Christmas)

20) Oh Commmmme On, YE Faithful?! (You're a Ho, You're a Ho, You're a Ho)

21) The Little Drummer Boy.....has a Hot MILF

Smorgasm(s)" - 1) pertaining of or relating to the initial utopic smorgiastic boinkial 'lovey-dovey-can't-keep-your-snouts-off-each-other' period otherwise known as the 'bedroom ceiling destruction' phase of a primarily fleshian nature, notably characterized by the following 1) Permanus Curlus Toesus Syndrome 2) Permanus Maximus Grinus Affliction 3) eviction notices from four - and counting - landlords 4) six destroyed beds, three broken coffee tables, one severely dented carhood, and 5) an involuntary funny-walk

Goregasm - so incredibly hot and intense that it actually contributes significantly to Global Warming

Moregasm - something which, although we all aspire to (and plead with Santa to bring us every Christmas - ho ho ho, indeed?), only the female of the species can achieve (but, yes, because males are selfish sexually-uneducated egocentric @#%@#$ bastids, rarely do)

Choregasm (aka Boregasm) - enacted ('acted' being the key word) once a week on Friday or Saturday for approximately 7.9 minutes between reruns of Trading Spaces/Grey's Anatomy
by couples who have been married/together for ten or more years.

Soregasm - the inevitable result of the 'smorgasm(s)' stage - aptly described in the John Mellancamp song: "Hurts So Good"

Sworegasm - fueled by intense passion and lost in the moment your boyfriend/girlfriend suddenly becomes a drunken-sailor-on-shore-leave-with-Turret's-syndrome (better avoid any neighbourhood block parties for the next few years, ye dirty talking kinko, ye)

Storegasm - applicable to couples who are not yet banned from La Senza and/or Mistress Olga's Kinky Toy Emporium change-rooms, McDonald's Toy-Ball Pit, and any restaurant bathroom with giant mirrors

Nogasm - finally accepting that, after 28 beers consumed earlier in the evening, your girlfriend having fallen asleep an hour and a half ago, your persistent but futile efforts are not going to errr come to fruition, oh studian one.

Poorgasm - primarily associated with lonely singles with the necessary modicum of affection towards their right/left hand and/or third-party 'accessories'

Roargasm - Tony the Tiger says, "They'rrrrrrre Grrrrrrrreat!" - your girlfriend/boyfriend readily concur.

Fourgasm - females experiencing this phenomenon during any one 'snuggleage' should realize one fundamental concept which need only be expressed using one word: KEEPER as in MR. (and if you play your cards right the MRS. part is yours for the taking), and proceed with roping 'em into marriage forthwith using any and all available means.

Snoregasm - usually in conjunction with the Smorgasm lovey-dovey stage except further taken to gropings and hedonistic fondlings etc during your partner's slumber (so that's why he asked you to wear a schoolgirl outfit to bed)

Tourgasm - trying to realize your salacious over-stimulations and kinky fantasies in exotic vacation places like The Vatican Gift Shop, The OverHead Compartment on American Airlines, Centre Ice during intermission at a Blackhawks/Rangers game, in a Central Park Yogenfruz Stand etc...

Michael Mooregasm - a visual aid to assist the over-eager male in trying to best his usual 40 second 'record'.

Slogasm - the domain of septuagenarians and octogenarians who've used up their allotted Viagra supply for the month

Feel free to add your own...

Things I hate (ok, not necessarily 'hate' hate as that would require quite an emotional investment/committment but you know what I mean - just work with me, for feck sakes)

1) you - ok, not 'you' you...but YOU.

2) me (although I suppose I am sometimes fond of my right hand)

3) steel wool/asbestos underwear

4) anything with Jennifer Aniston in it........unless it's a @#$@# ditch (ok ok.. it's just a @#$@# joke so no hate mail, wankers...good grief)

5) women with size quadruple D boobage wearing see through halter/tube-tops who give you the Ms Tsk-Tsk-How-Fecking-Dare-You snark-a-locks face/attitude because you actually happened to inadvertanly (or rather - inescapably) briefly visually imbibe in said fantasy flesh-mound-display. Next time, why don't you also add flashing Christmas lights, tassels and a heavy-load flag/sign in order to ensure you don't attract any attention, oh monster-melonious gravity gal 101 (PS - your left boob just went commando)

6) E-Harmony - because they set me up with, in no particular order, the following: 1) a number two pencil 2) a large shnauzer with behavioural problems and 3) Dr Kevorkian *ok, I didn't join E-Harmony but I'm fairly sure these would be my matches nonetheless *

7) men that wear flip-flops - please, just start wearing a @#$@ black fishnet t-shirt and hanging out in gay bath houses and get it over with. Ed Note: Only women may display pedicured/pampered tootsies in any public setting (it says so in the Bible, even!)

8) the fact I took xylophone lessons for 10 years because my old-school German uncle Hans Groobershnitzel Sr. (a lead accordianist in the Bavarian Band - "Das Hiney Eest Goot, Ja?" assured me I would eventually be up to my snout in hot chicks/groupies, since all women LOVE musicians. Bastid.

9) American I-Dull aka "Here's a nice big ole bitch-slap to all REAL musicians around the world"

10) that I live in a cardboard Sanyo Box down by the river and yet that doesn't seem to impress women (elitist beeyatches! )

Stay tuned, most likely more to come shortly....

In conjunction with Canada Day, here are some ‘fun/quirky’ facts about Canada:


1) Some people (notably Americans) may note that Canadians have a very slight accent when pronouncing certain words – for example, the word ‘about’ might sound to some like “@#$@#$ off and learn to speak English the way it’s supposed to be mother@!#$!@#”

2) There is an actual city in Canada named “Moose Factory’ (Google it) . This is where all Canadian moose are lovingly and professionally assembled by hand, field tested (ALL free-range guaranteed), and finally ready for shipping or domestic use. Moose are primarily used in Canadian McDonalds’ Happy Meals (as they are rich in Moose nutrients) and sexual rituals, and a good percentage of said animals are exported to Germany for the German porn industry.

3) The first Prime Minister of Canada – Jacques Rondelle Poontangue – was actually an escaped French convict and spent his first few years in Canada posing as a beaver. He was the first official to introduce casual pelt Fridays.

4) Canada was the first country to allow same sex marriage; this is not unusual as Canada has always appreciated its Queens.

5) In Canada, under no circumstances should one ever order or ask for ‘Kraft Mac & Cheese’ as one will be escorted outside and pummeled on the snout by a wet noodle for such an egregious bastardization. The singularly correct way to identify said food staple of Canadiana is ‘Kraft Dinner’. Repeat: KRAFT DINNER.

6) Canada is the largest exporter of squirrel mats and imitation bullion cubes.

7) Canada spelt backwards is Adanac which is an Indian term meaning ‘big-ass land mass with plenty of Eskimo booty’

8) Canada was the first country to collectively find the g-spot.

9) On average, Canadian couples make love 32 times a day – except during hockey season, where the numbers drop to one quickie during the second period intermission of Hockey Night in Canada

10) Canadians enjoy a host of Canada Day celebrations on July 1 – one of the most enjoyable, however, being the traditional annual search for the perfect beaver. Beavers are trimmed, groomed, and pampered and the most aesthetically pleasing entry judged becomes Canada’s Honourary Beaver for that Year. The contestant’s winning beaver is then shown all throughout Canada (insert blatantly obvious/vagina emoticon here, yes)

11) Sarah Palin can see Canada from her house

12) According to the last census there are approximately 621 people currently residing in Canada (half of which are convicts on the run, yes)

13) Canada has given the world: Winnie the Pooh, The Zipper, Pamela Anderson’s boobage, sexy mukluks, Bob and Doug, the word ‘Eh’, Screech (the drink and not the amateur Saved-by-the-Bell porn-star), fiddleheads, and last but not least, the best game on earth (no, NOT curling or nude twister, wankers)

14) A few pastimes of Canadians include: bobbing for lumber; gnawing on pine-cones; fondling hockey pucks and foreplay involving maple syrup

15) Finally, the West Edmonton Mall (in Alberta) has more submarines than the Canadian Navy (sadly, a true fact - hey, we're lovers not fighters )

Happy Canad-er Day or not....