Things I hate (ok, not necessarily 'hate' hate as that would require quite an emotional investment/committment but you know what I mean - just work with me, for feck sakes)

1) you - ok, not 'you' you...but YOU.

2) me (although I suppose I am sometimes fond of my right hand)

3) steel wool/asbestos underwear

4) anything with Jennifer Aniston in it........unless it's a @#$@# ditch (ok ok.. it's just a @#$@# joke so no hate mail, wankers...good grief)

5) women with size quadruple D boobage wearing see through halter/tube-tops who give you the Ms Tsk-Tsk-How-Fecking-Dare-You snark-a-locks face/attitude because you actually happened to inadvertanly (or rather - inescapably) briefly visually imbibe in said fantasy flesh-mound-display. Next time, why don't you also add flashing Christmas lights, tassels and a heavy-load flag/sign in order to ensure you don't attract any attention, oh monster-melonious gravity gal 101 (PS - your left boob just went commando)

6) E-Harmony - because they set me up with, in no particular order, the following: 1) a number two pencil 2) a large shnauzer with behavioural problems and 3) Dr Kevorkian *ok, I didn't join E-Harmony but I'm fairly sure these would be my matches nonetheless *

7) men that wear flip-flops - please, just start wearing a @#$@ black fishnet t-shirt and hanging out in gay bath houses and get it over with. Ed Note: Only women may display pedicured/pampered tootsies in any public setting (it says so in the Bible, even!)

8) the fact I took xylophone lessons for 10 years because my old-school German uncle Hans Groobershnitzel Sr. (a lead accordianist in the Bavarian Band - "Das Hiney Eest Goot, Ja?" assured me I would eventually be up to my snout in hot chicks/groupies, since all women LOVE musicians. Bastid.

9) American I-Dull aka "Here's a nice big ole bitch-slap to all REAL musicians around the world"

10) that I live in a cardboard Sanyo Box down by the river and yet that doesn't seem to impress women (elitist beeyatches! )

Stay tuned, most likely more to come shortly....